The Marriage of Perception and Reality

Ariol Tafa

2011-07-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Meghan

2011-06-05T20:22:00.001-07:00

I met Meghan at Cleveland State University where we both studied photo. I knew we would be great friends the day her belongings got stolen and she threatened to punch those responsible in the throat. Needless to say when she threatened physical violence she worked her way into my heart. In addition to being beautiful Meghan is compassionate, supportive, and always down to get naked for art and looks great under blue lights. Jealous Much Bitches?

Silence is an Answer

2011-06-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life I have no issue cutting people out of it who do not bring anything to the table, are not consistent, and/or I simply so do not enjoy being around. I am aware of how callous that sounds to some, but I have been through so much in regards to my personal relationships I refuse to deal with other people's bullshit. I also reserve the right to end my relationships anyway I see fit and will not feed into anyone elses games or suffer for anyone elses delusions, issues, and inability to take a hint. Dueces kick rocks

Erich Fromm

2011-02-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says
'I need you because I love you.'

You and I cut from the same cloth ripping at the seams

2011-02-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

Roxanna Revisted/ Sexual Politics

2011-02-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

This is my senior project for Cleveland State University in its entirety. This series was inspired by an incident of being sexually assaulted by someone I considered one of my closest friends. Instead of trying to forget what had happened to me I wanted to share with people exactly how that experience made me feel. I was asked repeatedly by some family and friends why I would choose to focus on this incident instead of moving on? The answer was this for me was moving on. I felt traumatized by what had happened and instead of trying to forget I wanted to understand. My experiences even the terrible ones are mine to use and exploit however I see fit. I wanted the people viewing these photos to look at these events and feel it with me. To be forced into situations you don't want to be, to be bloody and bruised by someone you trusted, to do things you don't feel comfortable with in the hopes that one day you will be loved are all places I have been and I am not ashamed of any of it. I have taken experiences that could have defined me and redefined them in my art. I am never a victim always a survivor.

Femme Fatale

2011-01-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

I spent Friday drinking copious amounts of Jack Daniels, then getting into my underwear and having juicy fruit squirted on me by my very lovely and amazing friend Emily. Not a bad way to spend an afternoon. Also I am one of the finalists for the Photographer's Forum Best of College Photography contest. There were nearly 14,000 applicants so its flattering to be included. I will post more from this set soon.

Oh Return

2011-01-18T10:41:00.001-08:00

Recently the focus of my work has been centered on my issues with intimacy and relationships. I am using my personal experiences to tell a story in an effort to create a deeper understanding of situations that have traumatize me. This photo is the first in the set with Clarissa and symbolizes how my experiences typically begin. Full of infatuation and hope I reach out for something that is not really there.

White Guys=Ugh

2010-12-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

Much like all the men I have ever cared about the more time I spend around you, the more I wish you would leave me alone. The biggest source of conflict between us is that I always imagined you being better than what you really are. Unfortunately for me this realization was not made until I made the mistake of letting you in my life and allowing your thoughts and words to carry significance.
I treated you like my equal when in reality you were always revealing yourself as a child. I was so desperate to believe you were different from the other men who made their marks on me emotionally and physically, I chose not to see it. I dismissed your behavior and comments as products of insecurity and youth. I convinced myself that regardless of the things you said you did in fact really care about me and I was so diluted at the time in you I saw someone I believed really liked me. How foolish I was to share my past with you. I still regret telling you about my history of being victimized only to have you say things that reinforced everything I had shared with you. No more second chances, we cannot be friends and please fuck off :)

Don't Let them Ruin You

2010-12-21T13:46:00.001-08:00

Dear Marriage of Perception and Reality,
I know I have neglected you so much over the past year. I felt so lost and instead of reflecting on my life I just wanted to learn how to live it. I spent a large part of the last few months suicidal and just recently became acutely aware of all the things I have been taking for granted and time wasted being sad. I graduated last Sunday from college. Those who have followed this blog know it started when I was a junior and just how significant a portion of time I spent trying to figure out where my life is headed. I feel like my purpose to make art and promote culture in Northeast Ohio. I want to go to grad school to learn more about photography and keep pissing people off in an academic setting. I want to keep challenging myself and evolving as an artist. I want to be great. Fuck anyone who makes the mistake of standing in my way. These photos are my attempt to convey my feelings about sexual encounters with men and are part of a series I like to refer to as Confusion is Sex

How to tell when you are really drowning

2010-07-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

I am sort of stunned I have gone this long without posting anything. The need to document my life with words and photos was a genuine impulse I felt for a long time. In retrospect the time I stopped blogging makes perfect sense. I didn't want to live my life so why would I want to share it. I was/am? miserable in the photo program at Cleveland State to the point I lost my passion for the only thing I ever loved and wasn't sure if it was ever going to come back. Picking up my camera became a literally painful thing to do. I wanted desperately to drop out and struggled with the decision to stay the program or leave for months. I decided to stay based not on logic or desire, but purely out of principle. I started something and I will see it out even if it fucking kills me. I am also happy to say I found my way back to my camera when I reconnected with the 20-year old girl with blue hair who shot for herself and had a complete disregard for the outside world. These photos are a few of my favorites of the past few months and summarize where I been.

Aziz Ansari

2010-03-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

Most of the shows on TV are not really my cup of tea, mainly because I do not like huge pieces of shit in my tea.

Antoinette George

2010-03-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

I have known Antoinette since I first started college and was a shy, naive girl. Anyone who knows me or reads this might have difficulty believing, but I was painfully socially awkward not too long ago. She was my first model and was actually there when I bought my first camera. Over the years we lost touch, but I am so happy we ran into each other and she was kind enough to model for me. Of the set I did with Antoinette this image has to be my favorite. Some photographers hate the studio, but I really love it. I love being able to transform a blank space into something. This was for the creative section of a lighting assignment in my photography class. When we did critique I was surprised to see most of my classmates did still life's of flowers, clothes, portraiture for their creative section. Blandly following the requirements without expanding on them. I have become such a cunt about my photos lately and the competitive nature of art school doesn't apply to me. I'm in competition with myself and don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I am living my life the best I know how and my photos are reflections of that.

And I wait and I wait to wake next to you

2010-03-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

Quinceañera

2010-02-26T14:32:00.001-08:00

In Spanish culture we celebrate the 15Th birthday known as the Quince opposed to a Sweet Sixteen. Last weekend I had a blast taking Celina's Quince pictures. I can't believe how much she has grown and how beautiful she is.

Alena Rosa Reyes

2010-02-23T05:53:00.001-08:00

Photos by Ashley Cunnigham, edits by me

Nothing tastes good

2010-02-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

So the course I need to get my photo degree might not be offered until next fall, because Cleveland State does not have the resources to offer it despite my needing to take it to graduate. I could take another course next semester, but my financial aid will run out and I will be paying out of pocket for one course.
I am emotionally exhausted by school and don't want to be there anymore. I am sick of taking on so much debt and making so many sacrifices without anything to show for it. I hate my art courses and am finding myself becoming less and less interested in creating art. My camera gathers dust while I go to class I listen to instructors teach about sterile bullshit I have no interest in.
I dont know what to do with my life anymore and everyday it has become a struggle to get out of bed.

So Happy I could Die

2010-02-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Jack Kerouac

2010-02-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!

You ought to be proud that I am getting good marks

2010-01-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

I don't regret ever meeting you, but currently wish you would leave me alone. I would love to have cordial conversations with you one day or for you to be a positive person in my life, but I think we both can admit for now this is beyond your capacity. I am sick of extending my hand in friendship and repeatedly getting burned. To stumble in my life when it is convenient for you, despite not being there at all for months and months does not constitute as a friendship. For me personally it feels like masochism. It has taken some time, but I realized I have neither the time or patience to deal with you and your issues. I have enough of my own. The aimless girl who adored you is dead. In her place is me. Someone who can be impossible to deal with, but always tells the truth and reserves the right to end my relationships however I see fit.

The Building Fronts are just Fronts

2010-01-28T08:54:00.001-08:00

I went shooting with Karl a couple of weeks ago and took these, hence the last photo of the hip kid giving me the thumbs up. It was in the midst of some very minor snow, but some fucking intense cold. We were down in the The Flats, which in my humble opinion has to be one the most interesting parts of the city. An area I keep finding myself drawn to over and over again. By the grace of god I made the dean's list last semester and actually am considering applying for some fellowships to finance grad school, which I never thought I would be going to but given the economy is an increasingly attractive option. On the other hand, I feel like grad school is another avenue that postpones adulthood and am currently hating the shit out of my classes especially art. All that is for certain is this weekend I will be drinking and shooting like a motherfucker to make up for lost time.

Charlie Parker

2010-01-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn.

Stagnancy makes me drown and I really want to live

2010-01-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

I sometimes feel too fucking fragile for life. I don't know why I have these periods where I feel like a failure as an artist and want to just quit my life and start somewhere else new. More and more I flirt with the possibility of catching a bus that will take me away from everyone and everything I know. The grass is always greener they say, but the grass in Cleveland is brown and sinking under my feet.

Nothing ever happened

2010-01-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was born in the desert

I been down for years

Jesus, come closer
I think my time is near

And I've traveled over

Dry earth and floods

Hell and high water

To bring you my love

I've laid with the devil

Cursed god above
Forsaken heaven

To bring you my love

I know he's gonna be here

He know he's gonna be here

He hit me, and it felt like a kiss

2010-01-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

Ashley

2010-01-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

There has got to be some more change in my life

2010-01-11T16:28:00.001-08:00

I had an amazing time in New York. I'm so glad I went with someone who has as much patience as Clarissa. She always seemed to be walking ten steps ahead of me only to look back and find me photographing something. My favorite Clarissa moment in New York had to be when we tried to find The Empire State building. We were walking down the street and came across a building with a large line of tourists that had the words Empire State on the front of it. I asked Clarissa if this was the Empire State Building, she shook her head no and assured me it was in fact the other Empire State Building.

Inspiration

2010-01-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

Karl Walker

HAMBURGER EYES

Alina R.

RYAN McGINLEY

Nirrimi

Jenny Saville

The subway she is a Porno And the pavements they are a mess

2009-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

I got back from New York yesterday and already have begun editing the photos. When people who have never been to New York ask me what is it like I always compare being in Manhattan to riding a wave. You are literally pushed by people and cannot stand still without running the risk of being trampled on. My short time there was a shock to my system in the most positive way possible. To be in that environment compared to Clevo was overwhelming in every sense of the word with a definite emphasis on the financial sense. Just in one day we walked the Brooklyn Bridge twice, walked through City Hall, Chinatown where even the McDonalds is written in Chinese and you are harassed with offers of Foaches and Bootleg DVDS from the moment you walk on Canal Street, we went through Little Italy and Soho and then went to Times Square, St Pats and the Empire State Building at Midnight. I barely heard anyone speak English during my stay, I loved this experience massively. Being on top of the Empire State Building was truly unforgettable. I am terrified of heights it is my number one fear next to the large groups of white people in woods and the Duggars. This fear was not helped by the fact the winds were almost up to 40 mph when we went. I felt like I was going to be knocked over by it at any second. When I was taking the last picture the wind literally lifted my shirt and coat up.
With this trip over I, like most people around this time of year I am feeling somewhat reflective. New Year's Eve induces the superficial vows of weight loss and promises to be more organized like no other time of year. In 2010 I want to be a better human being in many aspects none of which are physical. I have improved on some issues this past year I feel like taking credit for. I am very proud of the fact I am more content to be by myself and don't need people to pay attention to me to validate my existence. I enjoy my own company more than ever. I realize in terms of failed relationships there is no point in trying to go back and recreate the past. Once I have burned bridges it is best not to look back and just let things die. Sometimes you should be thankful for what didn't happen as much as what did. I have worked hard to become a better artist and student and am just beginning to see the fruits of my labor. I am creating work I am in love with. I am living a life I never thought would happen and I couldn't be more proud of who I am at this moment in time.

I Felt like Woody Allen without The riches And the Illegal wife

2009-12-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

NYC <3

2009-12-24T07:05:00.001-08:00

Your favorite hispanic plus size goddess will be in New York Dec. 27 to the 30th. I am so thrilled and already told everyone I saw so I figured it was time to tell the internet as well.

Watch Him Die

2009-12-23T07:27:00.001-08:00

Both these photos sum up the past two weeks of my life. I finished my internship and the semester with two As and two Bs, which given how horrible my case of senioritis is I thought was good. I have been shooting a lot, hanging out with friends, writing and really content to be by myself. I was actually on my way home from seeing a friend from out of town when I hit some ice on the shoreway then my car spun out and hit the wall. There was no significant damage and I'm obviously aces. I decided I will spend no more money on car repairs and if I encounter anymore more damages I plan on holding my beloved escort together with bumper stickers. See above for my last addition.

My heart overreaches it swells it falls

2009-12-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

Most of these photos were taken in a two day period right when the temperature dropped with a vengeance. It was so cold at one point I was walking around the projects on Detroit having obscenities yelled at me and couldn't feel my fingers. On the second day I was glad Karl, who is also a photographer went with me http://www.flickr.com/photos/soku39/. I love shooting with other photographers and feel like each time is such a learning experience. Its so interesting to see how each person approaches the same subject completely different. After such an intense semester, I have been shooting like a motherfucker lately and really motivated by the idea of trying to capture a situation as opposed to create one especially in a urban context.

Round About Midnight

2009-12-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

These photos were taken looking outside my window sometime around midnight. I have been at home thinking a lot. As ridiculous as this sounds I have been watching reality TV and actually learning something. My drug of choice ironically has been Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. A show I initially watched out of boredom I now find really compelling and an impetus for self-evaluation.

I have thankfully never struggled with any addiction, but I do recognize my own capacity to lose myself in something or someone that makes me feel good. I see a lot of myself and the women in my life in the cast. I have family members and close friends whose stories of sexual abuse are so parallel to what I see on this show its slightly surreal. So many people I meet have this image of sexual abuse that is so removed from everyday life its almost comical. The reality of just how everyday such occurrences are is far more disturbing than most people's preconceived notions about the subject. Recent statistics are suggesting 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men in their lifetimes will be sexually assaulted and the majority of those incidents will go unreported.

Although I have never been sexually abused, I first witnessed sexual abuse when I was 3. I grew up with a father I was often terrified of and with sexual predators in my family. In all honesty, I spent the majority of my life terrified of men and am just recently learning how to build healthy relationships. Much like the people on this show, I have at times used my sexuality to receive validation, been more terrified by intimacy than the act of sex itself. I still struggle with feeling unworthy of a healthy relationship shutting myself off from people that really care about, because I am at times incapable of caring about myself. I have spent the past few years learning how to try and recognize unhealthy situations and behaviors and try to correct them. I make many mistakes, but am nothing if not a work in progress.

Public Square at Night

2009-12-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite childhood memories was going downtown to see the lighting of the lights. Every year I looked forward to the day after Thanksgiving to see the city light up Public Square in a ceremony that as a child seemed larger than life. After all these years, seeing the lights still makes me feel like a child and convinced despite all conventional wisdom I live in a beautiful world.

Hedy Lamarr

2009-12-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I'm a sucker for your sound

2009-12-10T09:39:00.001-08:00

Of all the photos from the Alyx set these ones grab me the most. I love the top photo for reasons I can't really explain. Life has been a little bit of a motherfucker lately, but yet I have been surprisingly fine. I have become less hysterical, more grateful, and more focused on being the person I want to be all the time. Maybe it is a sign I'm getting older or finally growing up. This was probably my most demanding semester of school ever. I barely slept the past month, barely saw my friends, and was viciously raped by finals. I spent a lot of time alone contemplating what to do after the end of my internship. From my internship I had learned a lot and unfortunately most of it was what I don't want to do and who I don't want to be. However, I am nothing if not optimistic about what is to come for me and certain I will do great things even if it fucking kills me. I am currently ready for a nap and to crawl into bed with a tall, skinny, boy with messy hair and sleepy eyes. I really love all of you reading this xoxo

Remain in Light

2009-12-09T10:11:00.001-08:00

I don't know if i'm made to love my heart keeps spilling

2009-11-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with infatuation. I think I might be addicted to it, the act of building people up only to be relieved when they fall. I sometimes hope when someone shows interest in me it won't go anywhere so I don't have to feel vulnerable. I feel like most of my attempts at romance have consisted of a series of false stops and starts that only went to shit. My current mindset, the desire to put yourself out there despite being afraid was a definite influence on the set of photos I took with the very lovely Alyx.

Desolation Row

2009-11-19T12:40:00.001-08:00

I think I have made clear my love of trepassing, which is kind of like trespassing but for those who would prefer not to incriminate themselves and I contend is completely accidental. How are you suppose to have any idea you are violating the law by going to places that have slightly open fences you can squeeze through? Business owners would close them completely if they really didn't want people to get through. As a trepasser I would never do something like climb to the top of an abandoned bridge on the Scranton Peninsula to get a better view of the city. The video I am posting has been a huge source of inspiration for me lately in regards not only to photography, but what it means to be an artist.

Hamburger Eyes from Nick Fogarty on Vimeo.

Anais Nin

2009-11-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy.

Life just passed right through me

2009-11-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

I have been an Eastsider for some months now and absolutely adore it. I am ten minutes from downtown, 5 minutes away from world class museums, and across the street from the Hebrew Gardens, which anyone who is aware of my dreams of making Jewricans knows how exciting that is to me!!!! Growing up in the N.O. I always felt the void of culture and never quite at home despite being raised there. Now I like to go to the Marina on East 55Th and walk by myself. On one of the few remaining warm Fall days we have I took this shot on the pier.

Hunger Hurts

2009-11-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star

To pray on, or wish on, or something like that

I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy

Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope

And I believed for a moment that my chances

Were approaching to be grabbed

But as it came down near, so did a weary tear

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said

It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it I thought he was a manBut he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills'

Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

I don't like it when you are mean.

2009-11-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

I was in Detroit with my newphew Mekhi who had too little sleep and was extremely exhausted from the ride. When we got to the end of the day he couldn't take it anymore and threw himself in the grass at the playground on Belle Isle Park kicking and screaming. His mother picked him up and when I asked if if he wanted his picture taken he screamed no, no, no. I had to go against his wishes to get this photo.

I slash and I cut and I do it for you

2009-11-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

I of course did not win the Student Slideshow @ MOCA. The top award went to a guy who paints Plastic Surgery Disasters and Burkas over statues and other people who take their art very seriously(i.e. not me). I couldn't give less of a fuck about winning with the exception of not getting the money! I don't need people to validate what I do, but damn that $150 could have went far. The event itself was a blast and I was really happy for the opportunity to share my photos with people and touched by all my friends and family who came out to support me. I got to wear a nice dress, eat free food, talk about erotic photography with my family, and share my photos with people. This will come as no surprise to anyone who reads this, but I also made an ass of myself. A guy came up to me after the show and told me how much he liked my presentation and I got to talking about the other artists going over my head, and what the fuck was that shit with the burkas? And how that guy gave a dissertation about his art and I still had no fucking clue what I was hearing or looking at. He laughed and walked away. Much later my friends told me I was talking to the artist who gave that presentation.

Noam Chomsky

2009-10-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.

The Blood is Love

2009-10-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

I had an aunt who recently passed away and in her belongings were very old photos of my parents. My mother's communion picture, photos of them when they were dating and their wedding picture, which I had only seen once before well into my 20s. When I was a child seeing photos of my parents when they were younger made me depressed. I felt like both had settled into lives they really didn't want and I was a consequence of that. I can now see deeply flawed people who I resemble emotionally, and physically and love very much.

Other Girls: "Hey Fella, Ya Fell" from Theodore Mallison on Vimeo.

Student Slideshow @ MOCA

2009-10-14T08:18:00.001-07:00

I received an email today saying I was selected as a finalist for the Student Slideshow at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Cleveland. I will be presenting a slideshow of these photos on October, 28Th at MOCA. This will be my first time there as an artist and not a spectator. Actually it will be my first time anywhere. I am beyond thrilled!!!!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/slideshowatmoca?v=info&ref=ts

http://www.mocacleveland.org/current_events.php?event_id=211

This is when I became myself

2009-10-10T18:54:00.001-07:00

Rustbelt Heart

2009-10-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to make of things at this point. I'm going to school almost 4 days a week, and two of those days I'm on campus from 12:30-9:30pm or later depending on what I'm working on. The days I'm not at school I am at my internship 20 hours a week, working on new photos, trying to stay within a budget, and maintain a semblance of a social life. I never worked so hard and had nothing to show for it. I have been submitting to art contests in the hopes of exposing more people to my art with not much success yet. I'm not sure if the way I do things is too outsider for other people to appreciate, but have no choice other than to do what I do. Right now I have no time for people who are full of shit, are not as clever as they think they are, and/or spend most of their time complaining about a world they have never seen. A special note to a very dear friend, please throw your television out the window, turn off the computer, and remember to live before you die. Life is too short to try to imitate your heroes, be your own hero.

The Bridge Project

2009-10-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I spent Friday under the Veterans Memorial Bridge. On the lower level there is an abandoned underground trolley line that has been inactive for over 50 years and was transformed for a weekend into an art festival called The Bridge Project. This festival attracted a diverse mix of people who came out for the opportunity to see the city from a perspective rarely seen. It was surreal to be in that location and slightly scary if you looked down. I went once during early evening and once at night and had two radically different experiences. I think you can tell which I preferred.

I regret that I am not ready for you

2009-09-11T09:17:00.001-07:00

I guess my intention with starting this blog was to connect with other people who are interested in similar subjects and showcase my photography. At some point I subconsciously decided to make it as honest of a reflection of my life as possible. A testament to everything I felt passionate about as a 23 year old, who was unsure of what to do in life. Somehow venting my frustrations, fears, and unhappiness became a therapy of sorts. I felt empowered by having a forum to be honest and let it all hang out without shame. As long as I typed it down I no longer had to carry it with me. I found solace in getting feedback from people I never met and knowing despite how alone I felt other people had struggled with the same thing. I was proud of the choices I made and the person I was becoming and wanted to share it with the people I love the most. Recently I was deeply hurt to hear some of my family members making negative comments about my behavior and speculating about some of the topics I discussed here. It's a funny thing when the people who are suppose to love you the most unconditionally are the ones quickest to judge. Despite being moderately annoyed, I'm glad I can provide a distraction from the unhappiness of other people's lives that they are able to find the time to pick apart mine and scour for gossip. All I can say in my defense is I am not a coward and I am unashamed. I regret nothing and apologize to no one. If passing judgement on me makes you feel better about yourself more power to you!

Everyone who pretended to like me is gone

2009-09-06T07:05:00.001-07:00

I felt really lonely lately. As much as I hate to admit I am a sorry sentimental sucker who has been chasing the past. Seeking out old flames and situations that weren't necessarily good for me trying to recreate a time when I was more innocent and much less cynical. I will never be 21 again and thank god for that. My innocence was out of ignorance and having no experience to contradict it. I'm as smart and confident and interesting a person as I have ever been. I'm not pining for my youth anymore. I enjoy life at 25 very much.

Flat Can Co.

2009-09-05T07:33:00.001-07:00

The marriage of romance and aggression

2009-09-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

These photos are a testament to how I'm never quite done editing. I'm always going back and reworking images even years later.

Ariana Rain

2009-08-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

After spending 3 days in the hospital, Vanessa gave birth to a lovely little girl. Shes healthy and beautiful and probably the size of half my arm. It's kind of amazing to think we all start out this way, even Ann Coulter.

Helen Keller

2009-08-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.

We tried to name our babies, but forgot all the names we used to know

2009-08-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone's afraid of their own life

If you could be anything you want

I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

No one really knows the ones they love

If you knew everything they thought

I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

We're alive for the first time

It's hard to remember were alive for the last time

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

To live before you die

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

That our lives are such a short time

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

When it takes such a long time

My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch

I like this

My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself

Why fight this

I think I'm a mother

2009-08-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

Vanessa is expecting her first child any day now. We recently met up and shot for the first time this year, it was fun and long overdue ironically just like Vanessa. Expect more of these to come soon and Congrats to Vanessa and Chris <3

I don't want what you want and I don't feel what you feel

2009-08-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

So my camera is back and with it is a renewed interest to communicate with people via this mechanism entitled The Marriage of Perception and Reality. For the first time all summer I am not even remotely depressed and besides one of my grants for school being cut in half, due to state budget cuts (Go Fuck Yourself Strickland!) I have nothing to complain about. The past few weeks have been spent with some amazing people who enrich my life in a deeply personal way. I started interning with a Community Development Corporation in Cleveland and am learning a lot through observation and by listening while suspending judgement. I recently decided to stay in school for another year to finish a fine arts degree after I'm finished with Urban Studies. I made the decision when calculating my credits and discovering I was only 28 credits away from a Photo degree. Although I had always said I didn't want to go to school for art, I thought this is an opportunity to evolve as an artist and make myself more versatile in the long run. I felt like if I didn't do it now I might not ever and that would be something I would regret for the rest of my life. I'm at the stage with my Photography where I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something really great and want to dedicate myself to learning as much as possible. All the knowledge about photography I have is based on one class. I really want to see what I'm capable of after spending a year solely focused on studying art. For the first time in a long time I am thrilled to go to school and learn. I know my choice of Urban Studies and Photography is confusing to a lot of people, but there is an overlap evident in the work of Gordon Parks, Margaret Bourke-White, and too many others to name. I am proud of the fact I don't make choices that are logical to most. I don't aspire to be typical or honestly anything other than true to myself. My version of success is the only one the I care about.

I want you to notice when I'm not around, wherever you are

2009-07-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Thinking of a Dream I Had

2009-07-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm debating if I want a blog anymore. I have had very limited interest in updating while my camera is out of commission, but hopefully that will change once my beloved Christy the Canon is back in my arms. My life has been dominated with thoughts about my new internship, hopefully new career, and my final semester at the College of Urban Affairs. I have been thinking a lot, probably too much about what I should be doing and if any of the work I put into my education will help me get there. I feel paralyzed with doubt, but honestly I don't know what other way to be. I question everyone and everything, nothing is beyond my reproach, including me. Sometimes I wish I could be as compassionate to myself as I am to others, but I'm a work in progress. Making big strides and fucking up massively often at the same time is the way I operate.

Clevo

2009-07-12T10:06:00.001-07:00

I suck my toungue in remembrance of you

2009-07-11T21:53:00.001-07:00

Robert Mapplethorpe

2009-07-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

When I have sex with someone I forget who I am. For a minute I even forget I'm human. It's the same thing when I'm behind a camera. I forget I exist.

When I watch you move I can't think straight, such a beautiful feeling

2009-07-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

My camera is being shipped to Canon and I eagerly await news as to when I can start shooting again. Once it is fixed I want to take a lot of photos of people that involve fireworks or some other kinds of explosives. I feel like these past few weeks have been slightly devastating. I had some heartbreak, but I'm better and grateful for it. I kept repeating things can always be worse until it was sincere. The more I fail the more I realize I'm extremely blessed and loved. I maybe hysterical, overly sensitive, too quick to burn bridges, but I feel more myself and alive than I ever been.

Motherfucking Life

2009-06-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take my camera in to get fixed today. I pray I wont be making a ton of visits to the blood bank to finance the repairs. Life is slow and frustrating right now. I don't want to shake things up anymore. I want to shake me up. I was driving down the street yesterday and saw a dead body just a few blocks from where I used to go to school. In retrospect, I have known a few people, who were murdered on the streets and even some who had killed, but for some reason seeing this stranger made me sob. I don't know if it was, because it was right outside the same section eight buildings my sister had contemplated moving to or the helpless women surrounding him also weeping. It left me feeling really sick in a way I cant shake and even more conivnced to leave.

Two hearts beat as one

2009-06-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

This one is from the archives

I want Something good to Die for to Make it Beautiful to Live

2009-06-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Karl Marx

2009-06-17T19:17:00.001-07:00

Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time.

And you Kept us Awake with Wolves teeth

2009-06-11T19:07:00.001-07:00

I am so thoroughly sick of my life to the extent I might actually do something about it. I realized in terms of accomplishing what I want, I am my biggest obstacle. I don't believe in myself and am always so eager to settle for what is there instead of owning what I want. I want my life to be dedicated to art period. I want to live as passionately and unashamed as the people I admire. I don't want to be lonesome for my heroes, I want to be my own hero.

Sparks

2009-06-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am me once more

2009-06-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Death is one moment, and life is so many of them

Mekhi <3

2009-06-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Mekhi is my nephew and unlike any other child I have ever met. We went to Edgewater recently and he threw his sippy cup into Lake Erie and then proceeded to laugh hysterically for the next five minutes. His interests include boobs, watching people fall, and Barney.

The only thing that's real are the kids that kill themselves

2009-06-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

My camera is on the Fritz. It often dies while I'm shooting after just being taken off the charger. Not being able to take photos regularly makes me feel depressed and forced me to reevaluate what I want to do with my life. The only conclusion I have reached is that I have no answers only more problems.

Malcolm X

2009-06-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. "

Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck

2009-05-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but after years of longing for the mere thought of being in a relationship now induces sickness pangs. When someone tells me they love me with a romantic connotation or demonstrates interest it makes my skin crawl. There was once a time when I fell easy and hard for anyone who showed me the slightest bit of attention and seemed kind. My motto for now is until I can put love in the bank, use it to pay for student loans, or buy film with it, I have no interest. I'm done with crying, hoping and losing myself in the process of trying to make something work that isn't meant to be. Maybe the kind of love I've been saving myself for doesn't exist. Maybe something greater than what I wanted awaits. I don't care either way, I'm at ease and only interested in living for myself at the moment.

Kill Your Idols

2009-05-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

"The people who run our cities dont understand graffiti, because they think nothing has the right to exist unless it makes a profit

The people who truly deface our neighbourhoods are the companies that scrawl giant slogans across buildings and buses trying to make us feel inadequate unless we buy their stuff

any advertisement in public space that gives you no choice whether you see it or not is yours, it belongs to you,, its yours to take, rearrange and reuse.Asking for permission is like asking to keep a rock someone just threw at your head"

-Banksy

Lady Day

2009-05-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

I went to the Karamu House yesterday to see a production of Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grill, which was fantastic. The show is set in 1959 and takes place in a dive bar in Philly and is centered around one of the last performances Holiday gave before her death. The actress, who portrays Billie not only manages the daunting task of mimicking her voice, but successfully captures her essence. Her voice ached with fragility and raw emotion and at certain points reduced many in the crowd to tears. The songs are interlaced with stories from Billie's life, which are often hilarious and heartbreaking. I would highly recommend this show to anyone who is a fan of her music or just interested in the history of that era. For those not familiar, the Karamu House is a non-profit Cleveland based art and educational organization. It was established in 1915 by two Oberlin graduates and was designed with the specific purpose of supporting the preservation and evolution of African-American culture. http://www.karamuhouse.org/index.htm

Laughing With a Mouthful of Blood

2009-05-24T21:33:00.001-07:00

These were taken during my hike at Edgewater with Clarissa. I absolutely adore Cleveland in the Summer. I am overcome with a desire to go out and wander till my feet bleed. I need some good company and a bottle of Carlo Rossi, the finest purveyor of $7 wine in the entire universe.

I know you're married, but I've got feelings too

2009-05-21T15:34:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty open about the fact I come from abuse and without going into too much detail my childhood was not a happy one. There were many times when I thought me or one of my siblings were going to be killed and was always reminded how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything. I've spent a significant portion of my adult life learning to forgive and not dwell on situations that were traumatic for me. I would be lying if I said it isn't a battle sometimes to focus on moving on without fear or resentment, but I take accountability for my life and the choices I made. I'm thankful for everything that happened, because it allowed me to the person I am now. I make a point to be open about my childhood to show people how unproductive it is to let a situation you had no control over define the rest of your life and how empowering forgiveness can be. I know a consequence of being open about my past is that people I have relationships with will more often than not try to make it relevant in situations where it's simply not. To me it's the most obvious and easy way of shifting the attention to me and my issues instead of them. I've been accused of hating men and not being able to trust people, because of my childhood. For the record, I don't hate men. I hate bullshit and have no respect or time for people who are so willing to bring up something I still struggle with in order to not have to look at themselves and their lives.

Don't wanna mumble what I'm trying to say, I wanna scream it from my foaming mouth

2009-05-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

Pretty like a dying Flower

2009-05-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

These photos have been figuratively accumulating dust over the semester. I am notorious for poor time management and have not been making enough time to shoot. In fact, I haven't been making enough time to do much of anything I enjoy lately. I feel sick of everything I know and take a deep pleasure in doing anything obscenely out of character. I don't have a definite idea of who I am right now and love to challenge myself and others by being a complete contradiction of many of the things I professed to believe in. I've discovered who I am is an evolving process and more times than I would like to admit completely adaptive to my environment. I went to church for the first time in over a decade and was amazed at the number of times the word Repent was uttered. I could never be Catholic, because I repent for nothing. I look back at the life I have lived and things I have done and neither regret or apologize for a single action. I have and will continue to learn from my mistakes and can't imagine being embarrassed by them. Patti was right, Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine, my sins are my own and they belong to me...spare the child and spoil the rod I will not sell my soul to God.

This is why I'm hot for Keith Olbermann

2009-05-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

We were better off as animals

2009-04-29T11:30:00.001-07:00

I have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. But these seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.

Lost NY Trip photos

2009-04-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm working on finals and taking a break from the Internet until they are over with and unfortunately will not be indulging in my narcissism for the next two weeks.........at least publicly. Thank you to everyone who follows my life and digs my photos. I am humbled by all the responses.

The Past is a Grotesque Animal.

2009-04-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

If someone would have told me this week I would be grabbing lunch with Joe, I would have surely advised them to put down the pipe, but sometimes life moves in strangeways. We haven't spoken since New York 07 and I was quite convinced we were never going to speak again. He called me this week and asked me to go to lunch and after thinking of every reason to decline I just said yes. Meeting up with him was an important reminder of how grateful I am for every person who has come into my life particularly in the past four years. I needed to be reminded of all the lessons I have learned and the humanity of people who have hurt me. My friendship with Joe was probably the one of the most meaningful of any I ever had. And even though we fell out nothing could ever negate that. The more I make peace with my past, the more excited and focused I am about my future. I used to think life was a bitter pill, but it really is a grand old time.

The Artist

2009-04-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

"Who but the artist has the power to open man up, to set free the imagination? The others - priest, teacher, saint, statesman, warrior - hold us to the path of history. They keep us chained to the rock, that the vultures may eat out our hearts. It is the artist who has the courage to go against the crowd; he is the unrecognized "hero of our time" - and of all time." -Henry Miller

Today is my birthday

2009-04-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday, I can't believe I have a quarter century under my belt. I feel like for me life has just begun and the best is yet to come. I took this photo in my freak em dress. I adore my best friend, who got me these flowers and does everything in her power to make sure my birthday is always amazing.

My Mother

2009-04-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my mother, who is 61 today. This woman drives me to the brink of insanity, but I can honestly say I love her more than life. She has sacrificed so much to see her kids succeed and worked harder than any other person I know. As the oldest of nine she began to care for her brothers and sisters at the age of seven and once supported a family of five on a teacher's assisant salary. For those reasons and many more my mother is my hero. When I was a child I despised my mother for always being so passive and promised myself to never be like her. Now as an adult, I admire her more and more for the way she tried to keep her family together no matter what. I love to photograph her, because to me she has the most beautiful face.

It's Alright to feel Inhuman now

2009-04-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

I was really inspired by the Friedlander exhibit. I love the way you get such a distinct sense of his life and who he is by the way he utilized his environment in his photos. I remember the first time I seen his work in New York and being moved to tears, struck by the humanity of it all. Next Week is my birthday. I will accept all invitations for a birthday drink.

Another night at the viaduct

2009-04-11T06:12:00.001-07:00

If this isn't the most beautiful view of Cleveland I have no idea what it is, especially at night. Yesterday was decadent. Me and my wife went to happy hour at Lava Lounge where coincidentally a shitton of photographers were meeting up and proceeded on taking pictures incessantly for the next hour, blinding us in the process. We left and went to lily's chocolate and had the most insanely delicious chocolate you ever tasted. On a side note, I am really happy with my decision to waste no more time on people with the emotional maturity of a self-obsessed 11 year old. In the words of prince "Act your age Mama not your shoe size." Life would be so much better if you would stop crying over relationships that don't exist.

Adventure

2009-04-08T17:58:00.001-07:00

Me, Siska, and Mary went to the Rocky River Reservation Saturday, which was a thoroughly entertaining day. It all began with me and Clarissa continuing our ongoing gym date at CSU, where we jog around for 3 miles and WORK IT OUT. It really is lovely abuse and I treasure our gym dates so very hard. I then met up with Eric P, who is a new friend and kind enough to purchase some of my art. We went to the Friedlander exhibit, which was really great and more extensive than I thought. We ate at Lelolai and I indulged in some Tropi-Cola, which has enough sugar to induce diabetic comas. I love my life, my family, and my friends. I am happy and blessed beyond belief. I need to remind myself of that more often.

Second Hand Living Just Won't Do

2009-04-02T17:27:00.001-07:00

I apologize to everyone who follows my blog. I feel like every few months I have an obligatory I know I have been such a jackass about posting post. I have been distracted by infatuation, receiving attention from strangers and feeling sorry for myself. My car broke down and I haven't been able to focus on anything important. I can't shake the feeling all the things I was living for at one time are now killing me and how much more easier life was when I wasn't trying. I also have to apologize to anyone who has an attachment or attraction to me. I will push you away, I will make you suffer, I will play with your emotions, because I am terrified and as fickle as the weather.

Waiting to Bleed on the Big Streets

2009-03-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm applying to study abroad in the Fall. I really regret not applying to go to Costa Rica last year. The more I look around where I'm at the more I want to leave. I go to school and see the next generation of great leaders and the next generation of corrupt dimwits, while trying to find my place in the midst. I love what I'm learning, but am too distracted by the things I'm not doing and the words that go unsaid.

So Much Beauty in Dirt

2009-03-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

I took these photos three to four years ago when I was trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, didn't know what f-stops and shutter speeds were and couldn't stand the sight of myself. That girl was a million years ago.

Until the Sun Turns Black

2009-03-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Me and my homeboy Kelvycakes on a very recent nite talked about life on the swing set of a childhood haunt while smoking cigarettes. We discussed our frustrations of getting older and lack of success with our art. How conflicted we feel watching our cohorts pass us by in regards to achievements, but knowing we are both at places we should be at this point in our lives and really satisfied with the art we are creating. Success to me is having people give a shit about what I do and eventually showing somewhere. I don't care about making money. I want to make an impact. I am on break from school and using this time to focus on doing what I love. I am sick of drunks, girl women, and man boys.

I love you more than my own skin

2009-03-11T22:12:00.001-07:00

I used to feel really conflicted about the way I look. Like a lot of women I resented my features and size and connected my value as a person to what I look like, but have reached some sort of peace. I don't consider myself a beautiful woman, but find being a woman in itself a beautiful thing. I now like the face I was ridiculed for growing up and am rediscovering the body that was a constant source of misery. I am happy, I am healthy, and I love the person I am. I am free.

Benny Velez

2009-03-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am at this moment in my life more boycrazy than I ever been. I am literally falling in love with almost every boy I see. I still don't understand men, but understanding for me has nothing to with desire. I am so enamored with crushes, flirting and can swoon like no other. I don't want to fall in love I want to be adored.

Sunday Morning

2009-03-03T06:48:00.001-08:00

My gorgeous and very supportive aunt in Florida sent me a collection of Ayn Rand early writings this week, which I am quickly falling in love with. I have been blessed to always have amazing women in my life and as a result I am such a fan of women. I think all except Ann Coulter and a few of the monsters I worked with at Target are absolutely beautiful. I recently had some experiences with girls who are extremely competitive that made me feel despite being a decade too late I was back in middle school. Conversations complete with back-handed compliments, snarky comments about my appearance, and most offensive of all cock blocking! I initially felt terrible wondering what I did to provoke this behavior, but currently find this whole scenario sadly hilarious and more than a tad pathetic. It saddens me that someone must feel so terrible about themselves they feel compelled to waste energy trashing me. I value myself as someone of substance who is more than what they look like and have confidence in my intellect and art that how others judge my appearance is completely irrelevant in how I see myself. See unlike you I make a point to not judge myself and others for what they look like and also unlike you I am completely myself all the time and see the beauty in that instead of looking for the flaws in others.

The Marriage of Perception and Reality

Ariol Tafa

Meghan

Silence is an Answer

Erich Fromm

You and I cut from the same cloth ripping at the seams

Roxanna Revisted/ Sexual Politics

Femme Fatale

Oh Return

White Guys=Ugh

Don't Let them Ruin You

How to tell when you are really drowning

Aziz Ansari

Antoinette George

And I wait and I wait to wake next to you

Quinceañera

Alena Rosa Reyes

Nothing tastes good

So Happy I could Die

Jack Kerouac

You ought to be proud that I am getting good marks

The Building Fronts are just Fronts

Charlie Parker

Stagnancy makes me drown and I really want to live

Nothing ever happened

He﻿ hit me, and it felt like a kiss

Ashley

There has got to be some more change in my life

Inspiration

The subway she is a Porno And the pavements they are a mess

I Felt like Woody Allen without The riches And the Illegal wife

NYC <3

Watch Him Die

My heart overreaches it swells it falls

Round About Midnight

Public Square at Night

Hedy Lamarr

I'm a sucker for your sound

Remain in Light

I don't know if i'm made to love my heart keeps spilling

Desolation Row

Anais Nin

Life just passed right through me

Hunger Hurts

I don't like it when you are mean.

I slash and I cut and I do it for you

Noam Chomsky

The Blood is Love

Student Slideshow @ MOCA

This is when I became myself

Rustbelt Heart

The Bridge Project

I regret that I am not ready for you

Everyone who pretended to like me is gone

Flat Can Co.

The marriage of romance and aggression

Ariana Rain

Helen Keller

We tried to name our babies, but forgot all the names we used to know

I think I'm a mother

I don't want what you want and I don't feel what you feel

I want you to notice when I'm not around, wherever you are

Thinking of a Dream I Had

Clevo

I suck my toungue in remembrance of you

Robert Mapplethorpe

When I watch you move I can't think straight, such a beautiful feeling

Motherfucking Life

Two hearts beat as one

I want Something good to Die for to Make it Beautiful to Live

Karl Marx

And you Kept us Awake with Wolves teeth

Sparks

I am me once more

Mekhi <3

The only thing that's real are the kids that kill themselves

Malcolm X

Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck

Kill Your Idols

Lady Day

He hit me, and it felt like a kiss